Journey Outside the Camp

Parents are the primary spiritual trainers

My wife and I had the honour and privilege to address the fine folks at All Saints' Church this afternoon. We spoke for a little over two hours about how to cultivate piritual habits in children. (The content was very similar to what we taught at the Spiritual Habits seminar. In fact, one of the staff from All Saints' had attended that one and invited us to deliver something similar at her church.)

We emphasised the role of parents as the primary spiritual teachers of their children. After the session was over, one of the Sunday School teachers chatted with us and she lamented that in her experience, many parents had come up to her to complain that Sunday School had not done a good job instilling a spiritual life in their children. This teacher was so shocked that parents were expecting the Sunday School teachers to do the heavy lifting on forming a spiritual life in the children. What was worse, many parents did not have their own spiritual lives but recognised that it was something important that they wanted their children to have. But instead of developing their own spiritual lives and then teaching their children how to do likewise, they pushed the responsibility to Sunday School.

This is sad. As Sunday School teachers, we only have 1 or 1.5 hours a week with the kids. Multiply that by about 30 available teaching Sundays, we only have 30 to 45 hours in the entire year to influence and guide a child. That's a drop in the bucket compared to the time that the parents have with their own children. As parents, we already farm out the responsibility of education to the schools. And when that's not adequate, we supplement with tutors. When our children need to learn how to ride a bike or how to swim, we farm those tasks out to trainers. When we want our children to know God, we put the burden on the church.

What do we do with our children then? Just feed and clothe them? (And some of us have domestic helpers to help with those tasks!) In Deuteronomy 6:6–7 God says,

"And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."

God commands parents to teach their children diligently about him. The key word is diligently. Parents are not supposed to teach their children about God once in a while, nor to teach their kids something about God when the mood strikes them, nor to farm out their God-appointed responsibility to someone else. That would be being disobedient.

And when should parents teach their children about God? The same verses have the answer: when we wake up, when we go to bed, when we're walking outside, when we're at home. In other words, teach your children about God all the time.

I'll write more about how to teach. For now, the important thing to remember is that we are responsible for our children's spiritual training. Yes, ultimately, it is the work of the Holy Spirit. But God has ordained that we work in partnership with him. He commands us to teach him to our children. We must not be disobedient.

Goals of parenting

When my wife and I spoke at the recent Spiritual Habits of a Child's Heart symposium, we asked the question to the participants of our workshop: What are your parenting goals?

The question appears to be straightforward but the tricky part is that most parents have not stopped to think through this question. When we are at work and have a project to do, we like to start with the vision and goals. But with parenting, we have a kind of hope-for-the-best attitude which frankly, is a little alarming.

To help the participants think about the goals of parenting, we gave them four questions to work through.

1. What do you want for your children's lives?
2. What do you want them to be like when they grow up?
3. What do you deem as a successful life for your children?
4. How do you want your children to relate to God?

If parents sat down and answered this questions thoroughly and honestly, they will be able to see where their heart is for their children. Do they want God as the goal for their kids? Or do they buy into what the world espouses—a life of materialism, status, reputation and riches? In other words, an empty life.

We suggested some sample answers for the participants to consider. They are the answers we want for our children. We have to pray every day for God to make these answers a reality. The work to get there will take years but the good news is that it is the work of the Holy Spirit. We don't need to rely on our own strength. Yes, we have lots of shepherding to do, but God is the one that ultimately moulds our children.

Here are our answers.

1. What do you want for your children’s life?
I want my children to worship the one true God, to live in reverent fear of him, to treasure him above everything else in life and to live to glory God through everything that they say and do.

2. What do you want them to be like when they grow up?
I want them to be God-fearing people who recognize that they are one of God’s children and they have no allegiance to the world. They value nothing that the world offers but crave God instead. They love others with the love that Christ showed and they live to do the will of God for their lives. They are incredibly happy with God and don’t care that the world thinks of them as fools.

3. What do you deem as a successful life for your children?
A successful life is one lived completely for God and one where God is glorified through the obedience of my children. In the world’s eyes, they may not have made it, but they are a blazing witness for the glory of God.

4. How do you want your children to relate to God?
I want my children to fear God and be mindful of his wrath. I want my children to know that they cannot relate to Christ at all except through Jesus Christ who came to take away their sins and provide the way of reconciliation with God. I want them to always come before God with great joy, knowing that God has supernaturally reached out to rescue them from the path of destruction. I want them to be fully confident that God will do what he promises: to preserve their faith and refine them until they will be fit for heaven when they die.

Only one life

Only one life, it soon will pass.
Only what's done for Christ will last.

A brother in Christ had a chat with me. He was talking about making full use of God-given talents. His reasoning went like this: God blessed us with particular talents. Therefore, we glorify him the most when we utilise our talents to the fullest. So if I had musical talent, it would be the right thing to do to make a career out of it and play in front of a stadium full of concert goers. If my talent were in writing, then I should glorify God by writing the great Singaporean novel. If I were a brilliant doctor, I should spend my time finding the cure to cancer. If making money comes naturally to me, then I should maximise my earning potential and funnel the money to good causes and to the church. Being the best I can be would glorify God the most.

Makes sense? I'm not so sure. I think that the values of the world have permeated our beliefs to the point where we think we hear God speaking to us when actually, it's the seductive whisper of the world at large. Consider this: it is deemed entirely reasonable for everyone to pursue a career that accords the best earning power and the most opportunities for advancement. But this is often done at the expense of God, faith, spouse and children.

For me particularly, I do not want to be so caught up with the world that I have little time left for God's kingdom and also for my wife and children. Let me quote from Elisabeth Elliot:

It is sad to read that the average father nowadays spends three minutes per week with each child. Home, frankly, is just "not his scene." He'd rather be elsewhere. What does he do with the rest of his time? It is a relentless frantic scramble to earn money five or six days a week, with a frantic scramble on the weekends to "relax" and enjoy himself, often in expensive and sometimes dangerous ways? Can this be really what God wants for Christian families? If there were the willingness to be content with less money, fewer activities which eat into the budget and take the family away from home; fewer possessions; if there were the willingness to be "content with such things as you have," would we not sooner find the truth of God's Word, "A man's real life in no way depends upon the number of his possessions" (Luke 12:14 Phillips). The willingness to be and to have just what God wants us to be and to have, nothing more, nothing less, and nothing else, would set our hearts at rest, and we would discover that the simpler the life the greater the peace. - (The Shaping of a Christian Home, pg. 88)

Amen to that. I want to spend my energy on things of eternal value and to walk away from things that will be destroyed. If this means being a fool in the eyes of the world, then I'll be a fool for Christ. (1 Corinthians 4:10).

A vision for the glory of God

My wife and I have been preparing for our Spiritual Habits of a Child's Heart workshop. One of the main points we want to impress on the participants is the need to give our children a vision for the glory of God.

We're learning that how we move through life is determined by what we value most. Is it money? Reputation? A need for security? Pleasure? What we desire most will direct how we live. If we gain a vision for the glory of God, how will our life be? When we marvel at the sovereignty of God, when we are in awe of his supreme power and his all-surpassing wisdom, how will we react to him? How will our life be changed by this knowledge?

We were created with a need to worship. We love our Hollywood idols, our love to imitate the lifestyles of the rich and famous. But worshiping man was not what we were created to worship. We were made to worship God. But we have traded the greatness of God to worship other men.

Romans 1:21-23 says, "For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things."

If we value God more than anything in the world, we will live our life differently. We will not cling to money, reputation, pleasure, work, friends and material goods. We would cling to God. We could have nothing; we could be scorned by the world but we would be filled to bursting with joy when we love God more than anything in the world. Joy in the Lord and in his glory, that is the happy life.

I want to give this to my children. All parents should want to give this to their children. Worship God with all your heart, mind and soul and you will be truly happy. When you do, your physical circumstances will not matter. Your standing in the world will not matter. Your sick and dying body will not matter.

Now isn't that a vision worth giving to our children?

Instructing a Child's Heart

As part of the upcoming Spiritual Habits of a Child’s Heart 2 symposium, I’ve been preparing notes and reading up on the subject of parenting. One of the books that I referenced was Instructing a Child’s Heart by Tedd and Margy Tripp. In a sense, this is a follow-up book to Tripp Tripp’s excellent Shepherding a Child's Heart. I say in a sense because this book goes so much deeper.

It opens with familiar material but it then goes much more deeply, not into the child’s life, but into the heart of the parent. This is not a how-to book. The point that the Tripps are making is that how-to parenting books miss the mark by a galaxy. Going about trying to make a child behave is like what Jesus accused the Pharisees of doing when he metaphorically said that they cleaned the outside of the cup but the inside remained dirty (Matt 23:25).

Indeed, the Tripps main point is that we need to give our children a vision of the glory of God. God is the most valuable, more precious treasure in the universe. And we were made to honour him, made to worship him, made so that only by savouring him will we be most satisfied. We will have meaning in life if we have God. And we are to impart this vision to our children so that they won’t end up rebelling against God and leading an empty, meaningless life that ends up in destruction.

One of the sentences that most caught my eye was one that goes something like this: “The man who has God and talents is no richer than the man who just has God.” How profound that thought is.

The question for me personally is: Do I dare to teach my children such a thought? Believing the above is to tell my children to lay no importance to striving after a good job, a good reputation in the community or to put any stock into talents and skills but to rely solely and completely on the grace of God. To the world, that is a foolish message. But if I can rely on God for everything, then he gets the glory and I get the help whenever he acts out his best plan for me. I want to live like that and I want my children to live like that. I need to cut out the thinking that the world has crammed into my brain and fill myself up instead on the wisdom of God.

I would say Instructing a Child’s Heart tops the previous book by a factor of 10. It really helped me to see that at the heart of discipling a child is teaching the child that all life revolves around God and that God is the source and goal of life. If we can teach that to our children, how much more life they will have.