JOURNEY OUTSIDE THE CAMP

Only one life

Only one life, it soon will pass.
Only what's done for Christ will last.

A brother in Christ had a chat with me. He was talking about making full use of God-given talents. His reasoning went like this: God blessed us with particular talents. Therefore, we glorify him the most when we utilise our talents to the fullest. So if I had musical talent, it would be the right thing to do to make a career out of it and play in front of a stadium full of concert goers. If my talent were in writing, then I should glorify God by writing the great Singaporean novel. If I were a brilliant doctor, I should spend my time finding the cure to cancer. If making money comes naturally to me, then I should maximise my earning potential and funnel the money to good causes and to the church. Being the best I can be would glorify God the most.

A vision for the glory of God

My wife and I have been preparing for our Spiritual Habits of a Child's Heart workshop. One of the main points we want to impress on the participants is the need to give our children a vision for the glory of God.

We're learning that how we move through life is determined by what we value most. Is it money? Reputation? A need for security? Pleasure? What we desire most will direct how we live. If we gain a vision for the glory of God, how will our life be? When we marvel at the sovereignty of God, when we are in awe of his supreme power and his all-surpassing wisdom, how will we react to him? How will our life be changed by this knowledge?

We were created with a need to worship. We love our Hollywood idols, our love to imitate the lifestyles of the rich and famous. But worshiping man was not what we were created to worship. We were made to worship God. But we have traded the greatness of God to worship other men.

Instructing a Child's Heart

As part of the upcoming Spiritual Habits of a Child’s Heart 2 symposium, I’ve been preparing notes and reading up on the subject of parenting. One of the books that I referenced was Instructing a Child’s Heart by Tedd and Margy Tripp. In a sense, this is a follow-up book to Tripp Tripp’s excellent Shepherding a Child's Heart. I say in a sense because this book goes so much deeper.

It opens with familiar material but it then goes much more deeply, not into the child’s life, but into the heart of the parent. This is not a how-to book. The point that the Tripps are making is that how-to parenting books miss the mark by a galaxy. Going about trying to make a child behave is like what Jesus accused the Pharisees of doing when he metaphorically said that they cleaned the outside of the cup but the inside remained dirty (Matt 23:25).

Discipline is the key to a happy child

Over Chinese New Year, I met up with relatives and friends and a common topic of conversation was parenting. It seems discipline is a perennial challenge for all parents. Mum and Dad are always struggling to balance between being strict and just letting the child be.

For my wife and I, we were blessed not with well-behaved children but with God's teaching. Very early on, God gave us two verses to keep in our hearts and minds as we strove to bring up our children.

Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline drives it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15)

Both these verses are very precious to us. From it we draw principles that guide our family life. Here are some of them:

1. Early childhood is the time when parents must establish their authority. As soon as a child can refuse, then it's time to discipline. This means that babies who have not yet learn to talk but can show defiance can be disciplined. We only have a window of 10 years or less. If no disciplining is done in early childhood, you have doomed your child to a life of always being on the wrong side of authority.


2. Discipline is necessary. It's not for the sake of household peace or parental convenience. Disciplining a child drives away folly and foolishness and evil. We all want our children to be wise, to strive for good, to be humble before God. Discipline is necessary in order to achieve those things. These qualities don't magically appear. Discipline is the key.


3. The rod of discipline is the tool by which discipline is administered. Not the naughty corner, not a time out, not the removal of privileges. The wonders of a simple spank on the bottom cannot be overestimated. As says, it drives out folly. If you don't spank, you are not parenting. It's as simple as that. (But remember, spanking is not done in frustration but is a deliberate exercise in discipline. The parent who spanks in anger or for convenience is sinning.)


4. Never, never, never "let it go". It's exhausting to catch every little act of disobedience but you need to keep at it. When your child knows he or she can't get away with anything, he or she will learn to obey.


5. The corollary to No.4 is never threaten something you know you'll never carry out because you kid will know you're not serious and will carry on disobeying. The flip side is, carry out every disciplinary action that you threaten. Otherwise, your words mean nothing.


6. And here's the most important one: learn to differentiate between a obedience of the heart issue and something that just disrupts your sensibility or convenience. There's nothing worse than telling your kid to sit down and shut up just because you don't like loud noise. You need to give the child a creative outlet or just learn to accept the volume. In other words, discipline only because a moral issue is at stake, not because you feel irritated.

Those are some of the things we've learnt. We're not there yet, but already, we can see a stark difference in the way our kids act and behave versus a child who has undergone little or no disciplining. It is our God-given duty to discipline, so let us not shy away from the task set before us. Because in the end, it is not we who suffer, but our children. If you love your child, discipline him or her today.

Equipping the children for the Father’s glory

I was given the honour to deliver the sermon today for our church's Children Ministry Sunday. The title which was given to me to preach on was, “Equipping the children for the Father’s glory”. I began thinking about early in the year and progressively God guided me on what to share. Then one night in July, I sat down and wrote down the entire first draft in one sitting. The message is from God without a doubt. I did have to trim it so it wouldn’t be too long but when I look at the final draft (draft 8) that I delivered, I can only be humble and say that it was a message that God wanted me to share. As to its impact on our congregation, I am only the messenger. God will work it into the hearts that he meant it for.

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Raising kids who love the Lord

My wife and I were panelists at the TRAC-organised event: Spiritual Habits of a Child's Heart. We were a little nervous being asked to share about how we parent our kids. We figured, our kids were still young so that means that the jury is still out on how they will turn out. And it made us a little more nervous when there was a turnout of 200 or so parents and Sunday School teachers at the event.

Participants of the event worshipping the Lord together.

But the Lord swiftly reminded us that it was not our own effort, but him drawing us to him, both us and our children. It was he who 'turned on the lights' and put us on the path of following him. And that's what we shared: our amazing journey of being half-hearted about him not too long ago to today's situation, where we can feel the fire of the Holy Spirit leading, teaching and guiding us.

And that's what we shared with the parents: how to throw ourselves at God's feet, surrendering our lives to him and he makes much more of our lives than we ourselves ever could. I think our biggest encouragement to the parents was this: make God the treasure of your life. Get rid of everything else that stands in the way. If golf is in the way, get rid of it. If TV is in the way, get rid of it. If your career is your treasure, it's time to change your priority. Our children are our priority. We only have them for a season, and while they are under our care, God has commanded us to be his representatives. As he tells us:

"You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates...." (Deu 11:18-20)

There is nothing more important that bringing up our children in the way of the Lord. And our family's heart verses reminds us that it is not by our willpower nor determination nor strength that will help raise children who will love the Lord but it is the Lord who promises to do it. And we thank him for that because on our own, we know we will fail.

"And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me." (Jer 32:38-40)

Would you let your child read Harry Potter?

The other day a colleague, knowing I was a Christian, asked me, "Would you let your child read Harry Potter?" Before I gave her a quick reply, I stopped myself and thought about the question carefully. As a writer, I'm against censorship, of stopping others from reading what they want. But as a Christian, I am careful about what I fill my head with and I want to guard my reading time preciously and not waste it on anything that doesn't help build my relationship with God.

So what does one do with Harry Potter? Or how about Northern Lights by Philip Pullman? I have to admit I've read five of the Harry Potter novels without thinking anything of them (from a Christian perspective) but I did see into what Pullman was writing about, viz., that original sin wasn't all that bad so what was the big deal? I can certainly see where some of my church friends would be troubled by that book and want to stop their children from reading it.

But I think the best thing to do is let your child read what he wants with the caveat that you as a parent know what your child is reading and you talk regularly about what he or she has read. I wouldn't encourage my children to read either Harry Potter or Northern Lights but if they wanted to, I wouldn't stop them. I would however, take the time to discuss what they had read and compare that to what the Bible teaches. I think reading something completely contrary to the Bible can actually help stimulate an intelligent discussion about God and his Bible. In fact, it can help build a child's understanding of God when he or she reads contrasting material. Of course, the parent needs to be cautious about this.

So my answer would be I wouldn't stop my kids, but I'd talk to them about what they've read. The exception to the rule would be trashy teen magazines. I think those mags with their suggestive pictures and bad Agony Aunt advice and praising of a lifestyle that runs against what the Bible teaches actually do so much more harm than Philip Pullman or JK Rowling ever could. I would strongly encourage my children to stay away from those.

What's your hobby?

Before my kids came along, my passion was writing. I used every spare minute that I had to write. And when my first child was born, I continued to write. I had a full time job then, writing for television, and at home—in the early morning and late at night—I wrote my novels.

Today, I still write. But I don’t work on my books anymore. Nor do I write for television. I’ve long since abandoned my fifth novel and replaced that passion with something more interesting: bringing up my kids. I’ve battled with God about this and he was pretty clear that I ought to lay aside my writing for a season and focus on my family. God said, “Make your kids your hobby.” It was painful to lay aside my writing but it was worth it.

I spend every free minute now with my family. I play with my kids, I take them out, I talk to them, I help with their homework, I discipline them, I get involved in their lives. I know I don’t have much time with them. Ten years perhaps, and they’ll be independent creatures who will spread their time across friends, schoolwork, hobbies and other interests. My daily time with them will be very limited then. And that’s the natural order of things.

So while they’re still young, that’s the season I have with them and it’s the season of instruction. It’s the season when their core values are developed; the season when their character is shaped and most importantly when their relationship with God is forged. They are my most important priority now. I know that God wants my wife and me to focus on them. This season shall pass. We need to make the most of it. 

Therefore, the children are my hobby now. As one of my kids quipped after I said that they were my hobby, “It’s because you like spending time with us right?” Indeed I do. And it’s worth laying aside everything, including my writing to do it.

Leaving a legacy

As I raise my children, one of the key concerns I have is whether or not I am leaving behind a legacy of following Christ. Over the years, I have grown more aware of how my words and deeds rub off on my kids. I used to think that I had to be perfect in front of them; that I had to model the right Christ-like behaviour for them at all times.

This, of course, hasn't worked out according to my vision. I've lost my temper. Many times. I've yelled at my kids. I've reacted poorly to situations. I've had tiffs with my wife. Not the kind of behaviour I would like my kids to witness, let alone emulate. But over the last few months, I've begun to realise that letting them see me fail isn't so bad after all. The important thing is for them to see me get back on my feet. I realise I need to show them how to apolgise, how to seek forgiveness, how to forgive, how to reconcile, or to walk away from trouble. These things are important facets of the legacy I hope to leave with my children.

They haven't learnt all the above yet because I haven't fully learnt it myself. But when they see me trying, when I talk to them about my failures and how I address them, I am teaching them how they too can recover from mistakes. And I don't need to appear to be a hero to my kids. I need to live and demonstrate an authentic Christian life, one covered by the blood of the Lamb and empowered by the Spirit.

Hole in my sock

In the book I've been reading, "Grace-Based Parenting", there's an anecdote by Tim Kimmel the author that is particularly touching. He mentioned that his family was poor when he was in high school and he was pretty shy in class. Once, during gym class, he was called upon by the gym teacher to demonstrate the use of the trampoline. He felt instantly embarrassed not only because attention had been called on him but because to use the trampoline, he had to remove his shoes. And the socks he wore that day had holes in them, holes right where his toes were. You see, he didn't get many new pairs of socks as he was poor. And his worst fears came true the moment he got on the trampoline. The other kids made fun of his socks and cracked jokes about it.

But the time class ended, he had vowed to himself to sew up every hole in every sock he owned. Right after the class was dismissed, the teacher disappeared into his back room and reappeared a few minutes later. Tim was just about to step out the door at that point but the teacher called him back. He took young Tim aside to a secluded corner and said, "Do you know why I picked you out of all the kids to demonstrate the trampoline? That's because I could see right away that you had the strength and skill to do a good job at it. And you know what? Us agile guys always have problems with holes in their socks." And the teacher pulled off his sneakers to reveal that his socks also had holes in the toes.

 

Tim left the gym, feeling only a little better. But he was curious about the word agile. He didn't know what it meant. In English class, he looked it up in the big dictionary in the classroom and found it had two definitions which he wrote down in his notebook:

   

1. marked by ready ability to move with quick easy grace
2. having a quick resourceful and adaptable character <an agile mind>

Tim related that seeing those words, changed the low perception he had of himself. His gym teacher saw him as someone with physical prowess. More than that, he was said to have a quick and resourceful mind. No one had said that to him before. That incident changed him. It not only made him an athele and more outgoing, it spurred him to academic achievement.

 

It was some time later that Tim understood what had happened. His teacher had run off into his office just after class to take a pair of scissors and cut holes in his socks before going to talk to Tim. He had noticed the heckling and the embarrassment Tim had suffered and had taken the trouble to turn that horrible incident into a positive life-changing moment. It was an example of grace.